So, I don't know who really reads my blogs and such...but if you're a regular reader than you'll know I don't really talk much about my love life. And if you know me and have spoken to me in person...well than you know what's going on. I apologize if these thoughts are at random places and repetitive...and yes...I am purposely gonna be vague...no names...no instances...just vague thoughts.
I have put myself in a rut. I'm stuck in a place I am familiar with...I've been here before....almost 4 years ago. Not the place I want to be in. But I'm here. What got me here is my stupidity and love...my lack of effort...my lack of paying attention...my lack of brain. And yes, now I'm paying for it even worse than what I went through. I had a very special person in my life...up until I messed things up. I know you're thinking that I'm blaming myself, but I've been doing alot of thinking and realized that alot of the reasons why I'm in this place was because of my immaturity and lack of realization for what I had.
It's true when they say you don't realize what you have till it's gone. But there has to be another saying that will help you get past that point. Beating myself over what happened and what might not happen is killing me day in and day out. It's hitting me that the dreams me and her made will never come true. Yes dreams are dreams... magical fairy tales we want ourselves to be in but can never reach...but there was a point where I could really see them happening. We were building dreams...great dreams...unbreakable dreams (or so I thought)...but now I feel like I am walking in the dust and rubble of the dreams we built.
Yes I'll find someone to make new dreams with...yes I'll find someone to love and care for...yes I'll find someone to marry and live my life with. But it won't be her. We've been through all the low and high points. We've fought many many times but have made up many many times. We've teared for each other and because of each other, but we've also laughed with each and at each other. There were times where she made me mad...furious...so angry I had to leave the room. But I could always see the bigger picture with her...she never had to show it to me...I just saw it.
Her smile and laughter brought me to a place with complete happiness...seeing her smile instantly made me forget why I was mad at her in the first place. Her laughter is contagious...it instantly melts my heart. I could never stay mad at her for more than ten minutes or so. She has that quality in her. I could stare into her eyes and could cry cause they're so beautiful. And most of you know I'm a guy who digs nice hair styles...and she has more than that...her hair bounces and falls so perfectly in the right place. Sometimes I catch myself staring at her without blinking. I'm sure she's caught me looking...I hope she doesn't think I'm a creeper.
She used to do this thing where when she wanted me to do something...she would talk in this soft voice and pout her lip and blink...and I would fall in love with her all over again. I wished I would have told her all this. I guess its too late. And it's hard to even do simple things these days. Every time I see her she looks more beautiful than the previous day. I start noticing things I didn't notice before. Like the way she makes people feel in the room when she walks in. And...whenever she meets someone new...she always hugs or shakes his/her hand with a smile. Always. And she's an amazing dancer. When I first met her...I was so scared to dance with her. Many who know me know I don't dance unless I'm a little tipsy. So, the night before we first ever danced...I actually practiced. I practiced in the shower so I wouldn't make a fool of myself hahahaha. There's so much to her that I could tell you...but you would never know the feeling or experience it if you've never met her. I could talk for days about her...and tell you how much she means to me.
Sometimes I contemplate on whether I should go home after work. That's why I take the longer way now...to delay the painful feeling of being lonely and depressed in my apt without her. When I do get to my apt, I sit in my car and crank up the volume and close my eyes and pretend that everything is gonna be alright between me and her. But somehow reality always kicks in. I open my eyes and turn to the side and realize she's not there. I go upstairs and realize that her smile is no longer there. I look at my phone and realize she hasn't texted or called for hours or days. I realize that now I wont be greeted with her kiss and her "How was your day?" hug. Now it's just me and my room. I miss the things she used to do to show me she cared about me...but more than that...I just miss her warmth...I miss her laughter...I miss her smile...I miss her hugs...I miss her.
I do have friends/family who keep me busy, and tell me everything is gonna be alright. I am more than appreciated of that, these people mean the world to me. But no matter what it is...no matter what I do...it just wont be the same. I can't go up to her and hug her or kiss her randomly. I can't buy her roses anymore. I can't ask her out on a date. I can't enjoy her laughter, smile, and even love. I want too...but I know I can't...cause I had the chance...I had the chance to make all our past memories into stories that we could have told to our children and even grandchildren...and maybe even great-grandchildren....I realize I've ruined it....I messed it up...and ruined it. I can't blame anyone but myself. I just wasn't appreciative enough.
Today's just another day I have to get through. Fight the good fight and see what tomorrow brings. Many people say that although you had a bad day...tomorrow will always be different...somehow I know tomorrow will be just like today. Yes I'm being very negative...but that's what this rut does to you. Puts you in a very negative way. Something I have to live with. Thank you for reading.
Her smile and laughter brought me to a place with complete happiness...seeing her smile instantly made me forget why I was mad at her in the first place. Her laughter is contagious...it instantly melts my heart. I could never stay mad at her for more than ten minutes or so. She has that quality in her. I could stare into her eyes and could cry cause they're so beautiful. And most of you know I'm a guy who digs nice hair styles...and she has more than that...her hair bounces and falls so perfectly in the right place. Sometimes I catch myself staring at her without blinking. I'm sure she's caught me looking...I hope she doesn't think I'm a creeper.
She used to do this thing where when she wanted me to do something...she would talk in this soft voice and pout her lip and blink...and I would fall in love with her all over again. I wished I would have told her all this. I guess its too late. And it's hard to even do simple things these days. Every time I see her she looks more beautiful than the previous day. I start noticing things I didn't notice before. Like the way she makes people feel in the room when she walks in. And...whenever she meets someone new...she always hugs or shakes his/her hand with a smile. Always. And she's an amazing dancer. When I first met her...I was so scared to dance with her. Many who know me know I don't dance unless I'm a little tipsy. So, the night before we first ever danced...I actually practiced. I practiced in the shower so I wouldn't make a fool of myself hahahaha. There's so much to her that I could tell you...but you would never know the feeling or experience it if you've never met her. I could talk for days about her...and tell you how much she means to me.
Sometimes I contemplate on whether I should go home after work. That's why I take the longer way now...to delay the painful feeling of being lonely and depressed in my apt without her. When I do get to my apt, I sit in my car and crank up the volume and close my eyes and pretend that everything is gonna be alright between me and her. But somehow reality always kicks in. I open my eyes and turn to the side and realize she's not there. I go upstairs and realize that her smile is no longer there. I look at my phone and realize she hasn't texted or called for hours or days. I realize that now I wont be greeted with her kiss and her "How was your day?" hug. Now it's just me and my room. I miss the things she used to do to show me she cared about me...but more than that...I just miss her warmth...I miss her laughter...I miss her smile...I miss her hugs...I miss her.
I do have friends/family who keep me busy, and tell me everything is gonna be alright. I am more than appreciated of that, these people mean the world to me. But no matter what it is...no matter what I do...it just wont be the same. I can't go up to her and hug her or kiss her randomly. I can't buy her roses anymore. I can't ask her out on a date. I can't enjoy her laughter, smile, and even love. I want too...but I know I can't...cause I had the chance...I had the chance to make all our past memories into stories that we could have told to our children and even grandchildren...and maybe even great-grandchildren....I realize I've ruined it....I messed it up...and ruined it. I can't blame anyone but myself. I just wasn't appreciative enough.
Today's just another day I have to get through. Fight the good fight and see what tomorrow brings. Many people say that although you had a bad day...tomorrow will always be different...somehow I know tomorrow will be just like today. Yes I'm being very negative...but that's what this rut does to you. Puts you in a very negative way. Something I have to live with. Thank you for reading.
4 comments:
This girl seemed to mean alot to you. You know, unless you "cheated" on her or something, it just seems like she's the one who's in loss, not you. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and if she truly cared for you, then she wouldn't have left you. Think about it, when people are married, they fight ALL the time. We see it with our parents, siblings, friends, etc. But we don't see one of them packing their bags and leaving each time they're angry with each other. Even if you're busy with work/school or something, its understandable. Unless you committed a crime (as i said earlier, cheating etc.) then she's the one at loss. Don't let this stop you from living your life. It'll still be painful for a while, but you'll get over her.
--just someone who came across your blog one day :)
First of all, do not blame yourself for what happened. Forgive yourself and move on. Read this amazing poem I came across a couple years ago. Hope it helps!
Just A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
in the fact that you got to experience this experience. The poem below says it all and I hope it helps you understand a little bit. Life is just too short to keep making yourself go through all that pain and yes, you will fine someone new to love..most people do! It's a way of life!
-Just someone you knew a very long time ago !:)
To: --just someone who came across your blog one day
No...I've never cheated...I'm a one woman type of guy.
To: Just someone you knew a very long time ago !:)
Thank you for the poem...it made a lot of sense...although now i am intrigued in finding who you are. any help?
I came across your blog today. What you wrote is pretty deep. I myself have been in a relationship and when it ended I thought I wouldn't find anyone else. I mean I still haven't. I know it's been a while since you wrote it and I don't know if you are single or not. But do you still feel the same way? Do you still feel that yeah you'll find somebody else but it still won't be her?
Just wondering....
Post a Comment