The Florida Life

So...its been awhile!....I recently started to clean my inbox and came across a very old email someone (who i have never met) wrote about how they liked my blog and that I should keep it up and so so....and so....here I am.

Where am I? Well I moved. Yup...bought a manufacturing company in Florida...packed...and moved. I am my own Boss now...it has its up and downs....MOSTLY ups. Parents and family visit once in awhile...but till we sell the Subway in Boston...its just me. Which is good...being alone makes a man do things he would never had done...for instance...go to the gym twice a day haha...learn how to cook (no not a professional). 

And a lot has happened since the last blog....Boston Strong...Malaysian Airlines...engagements...births...so much to tell...so little space. No I don't want to make this a long post. Just a short simple one announcing my return...........I hope :/.

Florida is great. Sunshine everyday...Rain from 2-4pm...like clockwork really. I live about 30 minutes north of the Airport...its a nice area...clean...respectful...barely any crimes. The apartment is near a major road that has about 200 places to eat; being hungry is never in the routine. The food here is absolutely amazing and fresh. The BBQ joints are mouth watering....probably why I have to go to the gym so often. But you can definitely notice the difference in food.

I do miss Boston. It was and will always be my home. I try to fly up every month or so to see everyone, but its hard to coordinate with everyone. Its at that point in our lives where work, family, and prior obligations consumes the life. The worst part is leaving. Waiting at the airport...checking the JetBlue app to see when my next trip to Boston will be; not fun...I was never a Good-Bye person. 

I have managed to buy a set of golf clubs. Used them twice and now they occupy a special place in my closet. Work has been hectic lately that luxuries have been put on hold. The company is going through an ISO audit, so much of my time is involved with paperwork. After the certification, I plan on planting a hundred trees due to all the paper I have printed for this ISO.

Well I have a meeting in a few...I will think of topic for the next blog. Again, I don't know how many of  you read this...or how far the readers come from. But thank you :)

The Future

A friend told me to delete a blog post that I wrote in February because I wrote about a girl that I used to like and how much she meant to me. I personally fell I shouldn't have to. I mean...that was a long time ago. I just wrote it cause I wanted to. 

So for everyone out there....I am single....I am not tied down to anyone. If anything....that blog should show you what I am capable of doing. That was a phase...we grow out of phases. Everyone went through it...I just put it down on words.

The Society Dictates

Not saying the I regret everything that I did in the past, but there are certain events, decisions, and judgements I regret making. But because its in the past now, I cant really do anything about it. It doesn't mean that I don't think about it. Yes, every thing that happens in the past was meant to be and will lead to something better, but we as humans can't always have that mentality. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being bitter or dwelling on the past, but sometimes I wish I had done things differently.

As events unfold in the present, I can't help but think that maybe these certain events would have happened differently you know? I understand I'm just babbling. For example, career choice. I'm happy that I did what I did in college, but maybe if I had pushed myself a little harder, pushed myself to think about the future, then I wouldn't be in the position that I am. Maybe if I had been more confident and open during college, I could've known more people and maybe, just maybe would have been dating someone. No no, this is not about me dating someone right now or anything like that. It's just that because I'm 26 (I know I have time, I know that I'm young), I could have had someone stable. Only cause the Indian community makes me feel old, they dictate that I should be with someone, if not I'm old and not worth being with. 

What sucks in our Indian community is that even the littlest thing dictate our lives. Yes you wouldn't believe it, the caste of religion, the last name, the town your parents are from...all that matters in my community. Yes it's retarded, but thats what Society says, thats how it has to be done. When I was in high school, I had a crush on this girl, she was beautiful, funny and just had a great personality, but I couldn't make a move because my parents would never accept that. And the way I lived life is that the woman I date, is the woman I want to be with forever. There's nothing wrong with dating, but I just wanted to date someone who I could see myself be with for a long time. And I got the opportunity twice, and I have no regrets. I have learned and become stronger, mature, and wiser from both the relationships. Both ended in the not so greatest way, and it does break my heart. The first woman is married now, and the second is on her way to that step. And I am very happy for them.

Many who know me know that I cannot see through my left eye because of an unfortunate accident I had when I was four years old. And I'm over it, I've approached life so people wouldn't see me differently. I didn't want handouts, and I certainly did not want people to be sorry for me. My parents made sure to treat me like a normal kid so I wouldn't dwell on this. And yes, word did travel through our indian community. For a long time, and even to some people today, I am that kid who cant see in my left eye. So, now...when my parents are helping me find a spouse through the indian community, many of them will say no just because of my left eye (yes very shallow and I shouldn't be with people like that). But again, what if that didn't happen? My parents wouldn't be so worried about me finding someone. I wouldn't be so conscience when taking pictures, in fact, I'd be in a lot more pictures :). Being blind in my left eye has scarred me physically, but now even mentally. But I blame anyone; I mean I understand that every parent wants their child to be with someone who is in tact. And let's be realistic, physical attraction is very important in the beginning. Looks do go away, so yes to find someone based on personality is important. But how can you approach someone and get to know their personality without being physically attracted to them. I hope I'm making sense.

I guess what really bugs me is that I have to limit the people who I can be with. Love happens at any time with any person. But to live life with restrictions is not living life at all. We should be able to love and be with anyone we want. Why the limits? Why the restrictions? It all comes down to what society says really. And it sucks, but thats how it's done. I've accepted the fact that what's its going to be like up until I finally do find someone. Yes there are some who not so shallow and who can see beyond that, but where are they? If you're reading this, please contact me :).

I feel there are two things that are running against me from time to time...my eye and my last name. The people in my community know me for my accident and sometimes say no or feel sorry for me, and the people not directly related to my community say no cause we don't have the same last name. But hell with that, I am who I am. I am proud of what I did in my past. I became an Electrical Engineer. Although at times I may look lazy, but I have held a job ever since I was 15. I am willing to prove to any woman I am worth it. I am 26 and am soon starting my own business. I am good at what I do. I don't stop till I become the best at what I do. But those are my words; now if only I can get a chance to show that to the people who I want to be with haha.

At the end of day though, family is important. They've been their for you day in day out. Provided for you and sat by your side during the good and bad times. So I can understand why their words mean the world to them. I respect that, and I would never do anything that would make her go against her parents, but I would ask for an opportunity to show that I can be better and greater than anyone.

This is in no way a cry or some sad blog or anything. Just something I wanted to share with everyone. Don't hate me if I had offended anyone, these are just some of the things that have happened in my life. Thank you for reading.

The Meaning Of Life

What is the meaning of life? Why were we put on earth and given the ability to exist in this world? Why are we people and why are dogs just dogs? How is that we can feel all these emotions without control? What makes us...us? How do we live life?

So many questions and no definite answer. Everyone approaches these questions with different meaning and understanding of life. What is mine? I don't know. What is yours?

Some people all together just avoid thinking about it and just live...some contemplate. I live mine one day at a time...hope for good things...make some goals. Search for answers. I don't know. There has to be more than just this. I just don't know.

The Way It Should Have Been Done

I don't know if I'll ever post this particular blog. It may just sit on my page and never surface to the real world. We'll see.

The way it should have been done.

When she asks you to walk with her...you go...don't think twice....just go...thats the way it should be done.

When she calls you because she's feeling lonely and just wants you to be there...you drop everything you're doing and run to her side...thats the way it should be done.

When she says she wants to spend some time with you...watch a movie...or just talk....you accept and plan a night out with her...thats the way it should be done.

When she's upset because the whole night you didn't dance with her at the club, you make sure the next time you all go out you dance with her like you've never danced before...and don't care who will be watching...thats they way it should be done.

When she's having a rough week because of work or school...just be there...hold her...hug her...kiss her...and smile...thats the way it should be done.

When you're driving home...stop and pick up flowers for her...just because its a Thursday...thats way it should be done.

When she wants to go somewhere...no matter where...you go...because it doesn't matter where you go...it's who you go with...thats the way it should be done.

When she calls you while you're out...you pick up and she's upset about something...you find a silent place and listen to her...thats the way it should be done.

When she wants to watch a chick-flick...just go...what difference does it make....thats the way it should be done.

When she stops loving you...and wants to be out of the relationship...you let her go....because it makes her happy...no matter how painful it is to you...thats the way it should be done.

The Rut That I Put Myself In

So, I don't know who really reads my blogs and such...but if you're a regular reader than you'll know I don't really talk much about my love life. And if you know me and have spoken to me in person...well than you know what's going on. I apologize if these thoughts are at random places and repetitive...and yes...I am purposely gonna be vague...no names...no instances...just vague thoughts.

I have put myself in a rut. I'm stuck in a place I am familiar with...I've been here before....almost 4 years ago. Not the place I want to be in. But I'm here. What got me here is my stupidity and love...my lack of effort...my lack of paying attention...my lack of brain. And yes, now I'm paying for it even worse than what I went through. I had a very special person in my life...up until I messed things up. I know you're thinking that I'm blaming myself, but I've been doing alot of thinking and realized that alot of the reasons why I'm in this place was because of my immaturity and lack of realization for what I had. 

It's true when they say you don't realize what you have till it's gone. But there has to be another saying that will help you get past that point. Beating myself over what happened and what might not happen is killing me day in and day out. It's hitting me that the dreams me and her made will never come true. Yes dreams are dreams... magical fairy tales we want ourselves to be in but can never reach...but there was a point where I could really see them happening. We were building dreams...great dreams...unbreakable dreams (or so I thought)...but now I feel like I am walking in the dust and rubble of the dreams we built.

Yes I'll find someone to make new dreams with...yes I'll find someone to love and care for...yes I'll find someone to marry and live my life with. But it won't be her. We've been through all the low and high points. We've fought many many times but have made up many many times. We've teared for each other and because of each other, but we've also laughed with each and at each other. There were times where she made me mad...furious...so angry I had to leave the room. But I could always see the bigger picture with her...she never had to show it to me...I just saw it.

Her smile and laughter brought me to a place with complete happiness...seeing her smile instantly made me forget why I was mad at her in the first place. Her laughter is contagious...it instantly melts my heart. I could never stay mad at her for more than ten minutes or so. She has that quality in her. I could stare into her eyes and could cry cause they're so beautiful. And most of you know I'm a guy who digs nice hair styles...and she has more than that...her hair bounces and falls so perfectly in the right place. Sometimes I catch myself staring at her without blinking. I'm sure she's caught me looking...I hope she doesn't think I'm a creeper.

She used to do this thing where when she wanted me to do something...she would talk in this soft voice and pout her lip and blink...and I would fall in love with her all over again. I wished I would have told her all this. I guess its too late. And it's hard to even do simple things these days. Every time I see her she looks more beautiful than the previous day. I start noticing things I didn't notice before. Like the way she makes people feel in the room when she walks in. And...whenever she meets someone new...she always hugs or shakes his/her hand with a smile. Always. And she's an amazing dancer. When I first met her...I was so scared to dance with her. Many who know me know I don't dance unless I'm a little tipsy. So, the night before we first ever danced...I actually practiced. I practiced in the shower so I wouldn't make a fool of myself hahahaha. There's so much to her that I could tell you...but you would never know the feeling or experience it if you've never met her. I could talk for days about her...and tell you how much she means to me.

Sometimes I contemplate on whether I should go home after work. That's why I take the longer way now...to delay the painful feeling of being lonely and depressed in my apt without her. When I do get to my apt, I sit in my car and crank up the volume and close my eyes and pretend that everything is gonna be alright between me and her. But somehow reality always kicks in. I open my eyes and turn to the side and realize she's not there. I go upstairs and realize that her smile is no longer there. I look at my phone and realize she hasn't texted or called for hours or days. I realize that now I wont be greeted with her kiss and her "How was your day?" hug. Now it's just me and my room. I miss the things she used to do to show me she cared about me...but more than that...I just miss her warmth...I miss her laughter...I miss her smile...I miss her hugs...I miss her.

I do have friends/family who keep me busy, and tell me everything is gonna be alright. I am more than appreciated of that, these people mean the world to me. But no matter what it is...no matter what I do...it just wont be the same. I can't go up to her and hug her or kiss her randomly. I can't buy her roses anymore. I can't ask her out on a date. I can't enjoy her laughter, smile, and even love. I want too...but I know I can't...cause I had the chance...I had the chance to make all our past memories into stories that we could have told to our children and even grandchildren...and maybe even great-grandchildren....I realize I've ruined it....I messed it up...and ruined it. I can't blame anyone but myself. I just wasn't appreciative enough.

Today's just another day I have to get through. Fight the good fight and see what tomorrow brings. Many people say that although you had a bad day...tomorrow will always be different...somehow I know tomorrow will be just like today. Yes I'm being very negative...but that's what this rut does to you. Puts you in a very negative way. Something I have to live with. Thank you for reading.

The Parent Of Faith Is Hope

"We all have hope. Sometimes, oddly enough, we don't want to admit it--to others or to ourselves--but no matter how bad things get in our lives, we have hope. It's one of the greatest gifts that we've been given, for out of hope come all of our scientific and medical advances -- why even start trying something new if there's no hope for a successful outcome? Hope is what keeps us going on those dark, dark nights in our lives when it seems as if the sun never again will shine, but we have to give hope its due; we have to let its light shine in our lives if it's to do any good. We have to tell ourselves that things will get better, that life will radiate its beauty in our lives once more, if we but let it.

Hope never dies in us, yet often we cover its light, or we cover our ears so that we won't hear it sing its song. But that's like turning off a lamp when we most need its light, or shutting the door on a best friend when we most need company. We were created to be hopeful creatures, to look at the possibilities in the world and in ourselves, yet many of us aren't willing to do so, and we deny that there's even hope in the world, and once we deny the existence of hope, we start living dull, lightless lives that serve no one -- ourselves or those who surround us. To live is to hope, and to hope is to live.

Personally, I remember that even during my darkest depressions, I've always felt the flame of hope, no matter how tiny it seemed to be. The problem was that all of the negative thoughts that were my depression kept arguing against the hope, calling it stupid, telling me that it was unrealistic and unjustified. The hope inside of me was like the one person who is willing to stand up with a voice of reason against a mob, only to be attacked by that mob and left for dead. Thankfully, it didn't die, or I might have.

When the voice of hope speaks inside of you, listen closely. The voice of hope is the voice of God, the voice of all the wonderful people with whom we share this world, the voice of truth and reality. It's those other voices inside of you, the voices of despair and condemnation and hopelessness, that are the liars. Call them what they are, and give them no credence. It's hope that springs eternal. These other things are temporary parts of ourselves that we have to learn to reject, like someone renting our house who not only isn't paying their rent, but who's destroying the house. To restore peace and equilibrium, we have to get rid of the renter and restore the hope of better days to come."

~ C.A. Bartol