The Rut That I Put Myself In

So, I don't know who really reads my blogs and such...but if you're a regular reader than you'll know I don't really talk much about my love life. And if you know me and have spoken to me in person...well than you know what's going on. I apologize if these thoughts are at random places and repetitive...and yes...I am purposely gonna be vague...no names...no instances...just vague thoughts.

I have put myself in a rut. I'm stuck in a place I am familiar with...I've been here before....almost 4 years ago. Not the place I want to be in. But I'm here. What got me here is my stupidity and love...my lack of effort...my lack of paying attention...my lack of brain. And yes, now I'm paying for it even worse than what I went through. I had a very special person in my life...up until I messed things up. I know you're thinking that I'm blaming myself, but I've been doing alot of thinking and realized that alot of the reasons why I'm in this place was because of my immaturity and lack of realization for what I had. 

It's true when they say you don't realize what you have till it's gone. But there has to be another saying that will help you get past that point. Beating myself over what happened and what might not happen is killing me day in and day out. It's hitting me that the dreams me and her made will never come true. Yes dreams are dreams... magical fairy tales we want ourselves to be in but can never reach...but there was a point where I could really see them happening. We were building dreams...great dreams...unbreakable dreams (or so I thought)...but now I feel like I am walking in the dust and rubble of the dreams we built.

Yes I'll find someone to make new dreams with...yes I'll find someone to love and care for...yes I'll find someone to marry and live my life with. But it won't be her. We've been through all the low and high points. We've fought many many times but have made up many many times. We've teared for each other and because of each other, but we've also laughed with each and at each other. There were times where she made me mad...furious...so angry I had to leave the room. But I could always see the bigger picture with her...she never had to show it to me...I just saw it.

Her smile and laughter brought me to a place with complete happiness...seeing her smile instantly made me forget why I was mad at her in the first place. Her laughter is contagious...it instantly melts my heart. I could never stay mad at her for more than ten minutes or so. She has that quality in her. I could stare into her eyes and could cry cause they're so beautiful. And most of you know I'm a guy who digs nice hair styles...and she has more than that...her hair bounces and falls so perfectly in the right place. Sometimes I catch myself staring at her without blinking. I'm sure she's caught me looking...I hope she doesn't think I'm a creeper.

She used to do this thing where when she wanted me to do something...she would talk in this soft voice and pout her lip and blink...and I would fall in love with her all over again. I wished I would have told her all this. I guess its too late. And it's hard to even do simple things these days. Every time I see her she looks more beautiful than the previous day. I start noticing things I didn't notice before. Like the way she makes people feel in the room when she walks in. And...whenever she meets someone new...she always hugs or shakes his/her hand with a smile. Always. And she's an amazing dancer. When I first met her...I was so scared to dance with her. Many who know me know I don't dance unless I'm a little tipsy. So, the night before we first ever danced...I actually practiced. I practiced in the shower so I wouldn't make a fool of myself hahahaha. There's so much to her that I could tell you...but you would never know the feeling or experience it if you've never met her. I could talk for days about her...and tell you how much she means to me.

Sometimes I contemplate on whether I should go home after work. That's why I take the longer way now...to delay the painful feeling of being lonely and depressed in my apt without her. When I do get to my apt, I sit in my car and crank up the volume and close my eyes and pretend that everything is gonna be alright between me and her. But somehow reality always kicks in. I open my eyes and turn to the side and realize she's not there. I go upstairs and realize that her smile is no longer there. I look at my phone and realize she hasn't texted or called for hours or days. I realize that now I wont be greeted with her kiss and her "How was your day?" hug. Now it's just me and my room. I miss the things she used to do to show me she cared about me...but more than that...I just miss her warmth...I miss her laughter...I miss her smile...I miss her hugs...I miss her.

I do have friends/family who keep me busy, and tell me everything is gonna be alright. I am more than appreciated of that, these people mean the world to me. But no matter what it is...no matter what I do...it just wont be the same. I can't go up to her and hug her or kiss her randomly. I can't buy her roses anymore. I can't ask her out on a date. I can't enjoy her laughter, smile, and even love. I want too...but I know I can't...cause I had the chance...I had the chance to make all our past memories into stories that we could have told to our children and even grandchildren...and maybe even great-grandchildren....I realize I've ruined it....I messed it up...and ruined it. I can't blame anyone but myself. I just wasn't appreciative enough.

Today's just another day I have to get through. Fight the good fight and see what tomorrow brings. Many people say that although you had a bad day...tomorrow will always be different...somehow I know tomorrow will be just like today. Yes I'm being very negative...but that's what this rut does to you. Puts you in a very negative way. Something I have to live with. Thank you for reading.

The Parent Of Faith Is Hope

"We all have hope. Sometimes, oddly enough, we don't want to admit it--to others or to ourselves--but no matter how bad things get in our lives, we have hope. It's one of the greatest gifts that we've been given, for out of hope come all of our scientific and medical advances -- why even start trying something new if there's no hope for a successful outcome? Hope is what keeps us going on those dark, dark nights in our lives when it seems as if the sun never again will shine, but we have to give hope its due; we have to let its light shine in our lives if it's to do any good. We have to tell ourselves that things will get better, that life will radiate its beauty in our lives once more, if we but let it.

Hope never dies in us, yet often we cover its light, or we cover our ears so that we won't hear it sing its song. But that's like turning off a lamp when we most need its light, or shutting the door on a best friend when we most need company. We were created to be hopeful creatures, to look at the possibilities in the world and in ourselves, yet many of us aren't willing to do so, and we deny that there's even hope in the world, and once we deny the existence of hope, we start living dull, lightless lives that serve no one -- ourselves or those who surround us. To live is to hope, and to hope is to live.

Personally, I remember that even during my darkest depressions, I've always felt the flame of hope, no matter how tiny it seemed to be. The problem was that all of the negative thoughts that were my depression kept arguing against the hope, calling it stupid, telling me that it was unrealistic and unjustified. The hope inside of me was like the one person who is willing to stand up with a voice of reason against a mob, only to be attacked by that mob and left for dead. Thankfully, it didn't die, or I might have.

When the voice of hope speaks inside of you, listen closely. The voice of hope is the voice of God, the voice of all the wonderful people with whom we share this world, the voice of truth and reality. It's those other voices inside of you, the voices of despair and condemnation and hopelessness, that are the liars. Call them what they are, and give them no credence. It's hope that springs eternal. These other things are temporary parts of ourselves that we have to learn to reject, like someone renting our house who not only isn't paying their rent, but who's destroying the house. To restore peace and equilibrium, we have to get rid of the renter and restore the hope of better days to come."

~ C.A. Bartol

The Eleven Hints Of Life

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.But what is more painful is to love someone and neverfind the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone whomeans a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it wasnever meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on aporch swing with, never say a word, and then walk awayfeeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we loseit, but it's also true that we don't know what we've beenmissing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, anhour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but ittakes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,even that fades away. Go for someone who makes yousmile because it takes only a smile to make a dark dayseem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,be what you want to be. Because you have only one life andone chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that ithurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wrecka life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word mayheal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the bestof everything they just make the most of everything that comesalong their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends witha tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyonearound you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying

The New Me

So, this has been a long time coming. Not that it's something that I desperately need to do...but it's something I should have done awhile back. I'm gonna start a new diet plan. I'm gonna be strong and go through with it. I heard about this new diet routine through co-worker and saw results on the website that helps with this diet. 

It's a 24-day diet. I read and heard that I can loose up to nine inches if I can follow through with this diet. Its only 24 days. 24 days!...thats four Mondays...four weekends. I can do it. I am hoping to start on November 29th, the day after my 26th birthday. It'll be a good way to show the world a new Junoco. Thinner Junoco. And after this...I could probably fit back into my England shirts and FCUK shirts. Lookout world...the new and sexier Junoco is on its way. 

Oh, another thing. I was wondering if you all can be my support system? If you see me eating or about to eat/drink anything unhealthy...please whack it out of my hand and yell, "NO...NOT GOOD". Please....this is all that I ask. Thank you.

The Thing About Love...

I wanna apologize for this blog...these are random thoughts running through my head...there's no particular order...these thoughts are everywhere...it may not make sense to some...so sorry.

Why do we fall in love?

The Accident

First of all...let me apologize to the X number of readers....I have no excuse....I just didn't have anything worth sharing...and I've been hiding in my hole for awhile; BUT now I'm back. So here goes....

Monday - September 27th, 7:50am. I'm on my way to work, I'm stopped at the red light right before on the border of  Mattapan (the city I so HATE) and Milton (a city with tons of money and huge houses). I don't know why they put these two city next to each other. The household incomes are probably on both ends of the spectrum, I don't know. But anyway, I've been driving down this road for almost 3 years now. Down the same road...5 days a week. And that day was no different....although it had been raining so the roads were wet, BUT not terrible. The light turns green and I started to accelerate at the normal rate any normal human being drives. Mind you, I'm on the main road, which has about three other lanes on it. This intersection is a major intersection. Two roads from my right join into one and merge into my lane. Two roads from my left join and merge into the other lane...so this is no ordinary intersection. Let's just say that ALL roads don't always lead to Rome...some actually lead to Milton hahaha. 

I'm driving straight, when all of a sudden this Nissan Versa, (you know the tiny dinky kind) pulls out in front of me, and before I know it my hands are on the horn and I slammed the brakes. Unfortunately it was too late. My car had already slammed into hers. I check myself for any major injuries. Head = check, Neck = check, Arms and Legs = check and check. I look in the mirror to see any blood, no blood = check! I pulled to the side of the street and got out of the car. Its raining like the monsoon seasons in India right about now, so I went back in to the car to grab my umbrella and then realized the woman is still chilling in her car. What happens if she drives off cause clearly it was her fault (which I will explain later). So I grabbed my camera and quickly took a picture of her licence plate. 

I get back out and approach the vehicle, she rolls down the window and asks if I need an ambulance, which I denied at the time. She shuts the window and starts talking on the phone again. So I wait, trying to calm myself down so I can converse with her in a proper manner, just in case I say something I'll regret. She gets out the car and this is how the dialog went (mind you...these are not EXACT words):

Woman: "So what happened? Did you blow the red light?"

Me: Frustrated that she is accusing me straight off the bat. "No, impossible, I was stopped at the red light. I started to drive when the light turned green."

W: Smirks. "The impossible, I had a green."

Me: "The impossible for two different lanes that are not opposing each other to have green lights."

W: "Well all I know is that I had the green light."

Me: "Ummm...OK....what road were you driving from before you tried to merge onto mine?"

W: "I was coming from that way." As she points in the direction I was coming from.

Me: That's impossible, I was coming down that road, and I was the first one at the light and all the way on the right lane. How could you have been on the same road as me? It's physically impossible for our cars to have hit the way it did if you were coming from that road. You were coming from that road" As I point in the direction with the most disgusting look on my face.

W: "Oh wait...you're right. But all I know is that I had a green."

Me: "Regardless of whatever you had. When you're merging onto a major road, you have to look and yield for us because we have the right of way. I was on the major road"

I'm going to break away from the dialog to quote you from the Driver's Manual found on the Massachusetts website.
                   Intersection of Single or Two-Lane Road and Multiple-Lane Road
               "If you are on a single or two-lane road and come to an intersection with a divided highway
or a roadway with three or more lanes, you must yield the right-of-way." (http://www.mass.gov/rmv/dmanual/driversmanual.pdf Pg.73)

Back to the dialog.
W: "OK well I don't want to argue so can I get your information."
Me: "Sure" We exchanged information. She got back in her car to write down my stuff and walks back out after she gets off the phone.
W: "OK well, listen, I guess what I want to say is that I forgive you."
Me: This is where I lost my cool. Who is she to accuse me AGAIN. She's good with words...but my mom taught me better. "Dude, you have GOT to be joking right now. What exactly are you forgiving me for...for HITTING me and ruining my freaking day. Listen, you know that book that you're suppose to read before you get your license, well read it. Cause I don't care what you say to your insurance company. The physics will tell the truth."
W: "What do you mean physics. What are you an engineer or something?"
Me: "Well yes I am, I'm an Electrical Engineer, the worst kind you would ever want to piss off and hit."
W: "Right, well...I don't want to argue with you so I'm waiting for my husband."
Me: "Well I don't care, I have your shit so I'm gonna head to the Police Department and fill out a report."
W: "OK."
Me: "Peace, hahaha you're forgiving me...that's shitting hilarious."

So that's how the conversation went. I couldn't believe this woman was serious. She actually believes she's not at fault. I guess we'll have to see what happens. All the paper work has been handed in to the proper people. I even included the hospital forms. Oh I forgot to mention, my back started to hurt on my way to work right after the accident, so I went to the ER room and they said I have a lumbar sprain because I tensed up right before the accident. I still have some pain...but not as painful as before.

I forgot to mention, somewhere in between this dialog, I went back and showed what she was suppose to do when merging onto a major road. I showed her how I was driving, and then I pointed to where she was coming. And then I pointed to what she was SUPPOSE to do. And all she could say is that she had a green light. Ya good luck with that one dumb-ass.

I hope this woman gets whats coming for her. They should make her take the test again cause she obviously sucks at driving. What's worse is that I was being really nice to her up until she wanted to "forgive me". I have never been so pissed off. She thought she was way to smooth with her words...WELL YOU KNOW WHAT LADY....you don't mess with me WOMAN. I've watched WAY to many episodes of Law and Order to know what you were doing. And You think I wasn't going to argue back...man...you should def. meet my mom.

The Newborn

I'm going to get straight to the point, therefore this post might not be as long as the others. I recently became an uncle to one of cousin sister's newborn. My niece is one of the most beautiful looking baby out there. She's got rosey cheeks, eye lashes that make other eye-lashes look bad and her eyes...oh damn her eyes are like two black pearl-diamonds (I know pearl-diamonds don't exist but they do now). I can't imagine what it must have felt like for them to see and hold their child (obviously exciting and  an huge sense of love), but for me it was the most exciting moment of my life. I looked at her and it brought a smile to my face. Just talking about her to my friends puts smiles on my face. 

I got to hold her and bond with her...you know...uncle-niece bonding. We talked...well mostly I did but I'm sure she understood. We talked about life, some of the things life has to offer. You know general stuff like that. And Yes...we did have the no-boys talk. I think we had a mutual understanding. And then I feel deep into her pearl-diamond eyes and started to realize on what my responsibilities are...as an uncle. I looked at my current uncle relationship and found out that I am pretty much friends with him. I feel like I can go up to him and tell him about anything, let it be money problems, girl problems, and just normal general stuff our generation tend to tell our closest friends first. And that's how I want to be with my niece. I want to be the "Cool" uncle. The one who brings like candy and other cool stuff every time I come over. I can be that uncle. I know I can......ya...I'm gonna be a cool uncle.

Ponder: When was the last time you sat down and thought about something and smiled?